ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize