Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
