I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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