I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
