Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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