I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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