PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
This house was built for laser tag.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
