the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
