Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
