I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
