She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
