No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize