I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
