I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
