Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
All the doctor said was why
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
