I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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