I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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