Just fell off a train. Bad.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize