i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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