I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
