New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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