Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Randomize
