I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize