Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize