I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
