Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
