She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize