No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
