WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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