I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
