I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
a search helicopter?!
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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