Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
