Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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