the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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