True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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