The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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