You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
