Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
