I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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