so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you traded sex for a burrito?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
