is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
