I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
