I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
