I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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