I am puke
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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