I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
