she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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