I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
