The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
