Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
