Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Who died my cat blue again?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
