I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
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