four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
