Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
