i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
where are you?
Hypothermia
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
