Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
