It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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