I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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